I am the worst
sinner, o Lord. I have wasted my life destroying the precious gift of life from
You. I have hurt You, wounded You and disgraced You. I have exchanged the shinning
robe of glory with a torn robe of shame. Shame is my friend during the day and
guilt is my companion throughout the night. Peace has been taken away from me. Guilt
becomes by torment day and night. Regret, unforgiving and self-hatred strongly
despise me. Angry words, and judgmental
attitudes are fired at me. There is no one to blame. Everyone is more righteous
than me. I can accept their angry words and judgmental attitudes. All the pains
I am experiencing, are the consequences of my own doings and I should expect for
more. I don’t expect to redeem my wrong doings with my own sufferings for it
can never redeem anything out from me.
I have deeply
disappointed those who love me and put high expectations on me. I should be
buried in the deepest ocean, being forgotten forever. I shouldn’t be remembered
with any tombstone. If I do have a tombstone, it has to be nameless. I have
trampled Your grace and humiliate Your forgiveness. Heaven is not a place for a
sinner like me. I am dammed too sinful for the community in heaven. Hell is prepared
for me and I am welcomed by the eerie sounds from hell. I am alienated,
estranged and banished from love. There is no friend in hell. No acceptance,
only condemnation. No more welcoming, no more hospitality for I am not worthy
for a loving hug, not worthy of a ring, not worthy of a new robe nor a banquet.
Too many times, I have nailed you on the cross. Although I die a thousand cruel
deaths I can’t redeem myself. I believe in Your love and grace but I am truly
no longer worthy to be accepted by You. Eternal separation, rotting,
loneliness, banishment is but too little compared to the disappointment that I have
caused in You and my fellow human beings.
